Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift--that's why we call it the present.
Have you noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anybody driving faster is a maniac?
I can insult my best friend, but heaven help you if you do.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it into a fruit salad.
If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more
If you don't like me, there is nothing I can do. Here's a newsflash Honey, I don't live to please you!
When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch the person who made you mad.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ..He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking so good either.
I'm sorry, yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look to impressed.
Anger is one letter short of danger.
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask directions.
Fun things to do on an elevator:
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22)WHEN you get inside jump on everyone there.
19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1.) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2.) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3.) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4.) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'In'.
5.) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6.) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'.
7.) Finish all your sentences with 'In Accordance with the Prophecy'.
8.) Don't use any punctuation.
9.) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10.) Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11.) Specify that your drive-through order is 'To go'.
12.) Sing along at the Opera.
13.) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14.) Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15.) Five days In advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16.) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17.) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I won! I won!'
18.) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling ’Run for your lives! They're loose!'
19.) Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'